Chances are you’ve heard the word “enable” to describe the actions of a family member or loved one of someone who has a drug problem. To enable someone means to make it easier for them to continue their drug abuse or addiction, usually by helping them avoid the consequences of their behavior.
Are you enabling a person with a drug problem? Before you read through this list, remember that denial is almost universal. Look at your behavior honestly and objectively; it’s quite common for the “enablers” to think that they’re not doing exactly what they are doing. That said, if you are acting in any of the following ways, you are enabling your loved one to continue abusing drugs, and placing them in danger.
Do you make excuses? For example, you tell yourself that you have to allow your adult child to live in your home and you must give her money because if you do not do these things, she’ll have to live on the streets and will surely die. The truth is, an addict is very likely to die anyway, unless they are arrested or institutionalized first. By providing what your child needs to continue being active in addiction, you are enabling. It may feel like love, but real love means letting your child face the consequences of their actions so they can make a decision to change. This won’t happen if you make using drugs easy.
Do you cover for your loved one at work or school? Another way of making excuses, but in this case you’re not just lying to yourself, you’re lying to other people. Do you call your husband’s boss to say he’s sick, when actually he just can’t get up in the morning because he was out too late drinking the night before? This isn’t the same as being sick, and perhaps losing his job is the one thing that will get him to enter a rehab program. You’re not helping him keep his job; you’re enabling him to drink.
Do you lie to your spouse about your child’s use to protect the child or your spouse from an unpleasant confrontation? You shouldn’t have to go through this alone! Furthermore, you do not have the ability to protect others from the truth, and it’s not your responsibility to do so. (If you’re afraid your spouse will become violent or suffer a breakdown, there are other problems that need to be addressed just as urgently as the drug or alcohol addiction.) By hiding the truth from any part of your family, you’re not preventing problems but merely creating more serious problems by avoiding the inevitable: you are enabling a dangerous situation to continue.
Do you take on extra responsibilities so your loved one won’t have to? Again, this is not loving behavior, it’s enabling behavior. You’re making it easier for the person to focus on their drinking or drug use, and not have to bother with fulfilling normal obligations. This is unkind to both you and the other person: you’re working twice as hard, and your loved one is not functioning like a responsible adult. In a committed relationship, this can create a dynamic in which one partner functions as the “parent” and the other as the “child”: a disastrous and destructive dynamic that will not sustain a relationship. It is very tough to remain lovingly interested in someone who reminds you of your mother or your father or a not-yet-mature kid.
It’s extremely difficult to stop enabling a loved one. It so often seems like the right thing to do; caring and loving and even an effective way to “help”. In reality, enabling behaviors only make the situation worse. It’s like giving a suicidal person a loaded gun.
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